How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
