I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
