He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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