I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
