I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
