dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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