I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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