Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have tasted many bathrooms
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize