She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
