I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
