I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
