She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
