I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize