we made out on top of his cat.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
