Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
