Apparently you make a good broom.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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