im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
