she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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