speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
