I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
