I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
