i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
