fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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