last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
