we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
