We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
