Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
