I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
