just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
