dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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