How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
