My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
