you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
