I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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