Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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