I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
