I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i will never coherently bang her
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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