Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize