I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
