My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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