Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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