ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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