Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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