She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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