I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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