I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
