i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
