I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize