Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
