I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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