bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
