I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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