I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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