I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
