Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
