I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
