What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think a kid would responsible me up
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
