If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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