i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Every concussion has its silver lining
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
