I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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