My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
