I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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