i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
